What Pregnancy Looks Like After Loss

Tonight, as I winced through another painful shot in my thigh and swallowed a cup of water with a handful of medications, I wanted to let tears flow. Not because I am unwilling to do what it takes, but because my first pregnancy was nothing like this one. Of course, after learning what we have in the last year, I now realize just how big of a miracle carrying my first baby without all of this medication was.

Isn’t funny how we talk about how many kids we want growing up? We laugh and say we want four or five. People make comments like “you are going to have ten kids one day!” Little did they know you would struggle to bring a baby into the world. Little did they know that you would have a healthy baby and go on to miscarry three more.

We talk about planning a family when we reach adulthood, we make plans with our spouse. However, none of us know the plan God has for our life. The plan that He’s known before we were even formed in our mother’s womb. It’s not an easy plan to submit to, but Isaiah 55:8 says, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.”

Let me tell you, as difficult as loss can be, believing that God’s plan is better than any plan I could make for myself in this troubled world is what gives me the faith to wake up every day and put my trust in Him regardless of what tomorrow holds.

Jesus is the reason I get up every day and have faith that the life He is forming inside of me is part of His plan. Are there times I get anxious? Of course. Does fear and pain from past loss try to take over my mind? It does. Psalm 56:3 says, “What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.” Every three weeks, when the date of my appointment approaches, I fight fear and anxiety. Only when I hear the heartbeat and see the movement of our little blessing on the screen, I finally take a breath. I can let go of the fear and let it be replaced with joy and gratitude. It’s hearing that heartbeat that makes the physical pain and the toll taken on my body so incredibly worth it!

If you have suffered loss of any kind; early or late term, or if you have dealt with infertility for some time and are still waiting, I’m sorry. I’m sorry there will always be someone to ask you when you will have a baby. I’m sorry people will ask you what is taking so long when you wish they knew how many negative tests you have thrown away. Although some days it’s hard to keep your head up, I promise you God is there. He is a whisper away. You can take every emotion you feel to Him, and He will wrap loving arms around you and give you peace. I’m not saying it will make things easy, but you won’t be alone. There is no better friend to have when you feel like you are going through the valley.

After my third miscarriage, I felt many emotions. It took me months to get to a good place emotionally. I had just told a close friend I was finally content and looking forward to some time with my firstborn while he wasn’t quite school age rather than trying for another baby. I wanted to give my body time to heal. It was only the next week, while on vacation with family, that I began to feel like something was different. Little did I know that through the pain I suffered over the course of those 6 months, despite my desire to wait, God had already begun a miracle. I remember wanting to feel joy but being struck by fear. My doctor got me in within 24 hours of calling his office, and I can’t even begin to tell you the relief that flooded my body when I seen a flashing heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor. It was when the doctor began explaining my test results, that I realized the miracle God had created. All I could think about over the next few weeks was how many medications I was taking, along with a daily shot, yet there was already a heartbeat present. A milestone we weren’t given the privilege of hearing with all three miscarriages. And I hit that milestone before I had any medications in my system! If that’s not a miracle, then what is?!

Here I am, with only a few months to go, and as baby grows, this pregnancy doesn’t exactly get easier. I don’t have a blissful second trimester that everyone talks about, but I have a wonderful support system that helps when they can. It really does take a village! Every baby kick is a sigh of relief that brings a smile. Even if those kicks keep me up at night. Ha.

All of that to say… it’s always good to take a second and think before you ask a woman why she doesn’t have kids yet, why she only has one, or make jokes about her being pregnant because she is nauseous. You never know a reason behind it and frankly, it’s not really any of your business. Show more respect. You never know what their journey is.

Praying blessings over you!