It’s Not What I Expected
“If you are completely exhausted and don’t know how you’re going to keep giving this much of yourself day after day, you’re probably a good parent.”
Exhausted
Tired
Short tempered
Stressed
Emotional
Worried
All of those words describe how I have felt many times in the last 2 months. And these are things I thought would happen after I had a baby.
I will get plenty of rest
Cook dinner for my family every night
Time to get everything done
Breastfeeding will be easy
Now don’t get me wrong, while I do feel overwhelmed and tired at times, I still thank God every morning, evening, and night that He has given me a son. The rough days pale in comparison to the beautiful moments woven throughout the day. Sometimes those moments are in the middle of the night, while others are in the stillness of the morning after we get up and he is well rested. Notice I said “he.” I have come to the very real conclusion that I will just never sleep again. But that is okay. It’s okay because God gives me the strength, as well as this beautiful bean that when roasted, and put in a grinder, makes coffee!
Have you ever got busy doing ALL the things that you forgot to thaw or start dinner? Then your husband comes home and you end up spending money on take out because you are too tired and hungry to make an effort and cook dinner at home. For those of you who do not know me very well, cleaning is a form of therapy for me. I mean, so is sitting on my couch in my pajamas with a bowl of popcorn and a giant cup of coffee or a soda but that’s not the point. When I feel stressed, or I need to get moving so my mind can have a break from the millions of things I am dwelling on, I like to clean. Sometimes its picking up and putting laundry away so my house feels “put together”, and other times I focus on one room in particular. Although I do that thing a lot of women do where you start one project and then get distracted by another until your house is in worse shape than it was before you started unloading the dishwasher. Anyone else do that? You put that vase in the dishwasher but when you went to put it away you noticed the cabinet needed decluttered and reorganized. In the process of reorganizing, the dryer goes off and you have to get the clothes out. While hanging up the clothes you realize your shoes are laying in the bottom of your closet and you can barely get around them so you start straightening them when the baby wakes up ready to eat. Sometimes cleaning for therapy just causes more stress. That is just how it goes sometimes.
I don’t know how often your baby eats, or did eat if your children are older now. Luke nurses every 2 hours right now and I am lucky if he falls asleep good and sleeps for 3-4 hours at night. I have had to save and come back to this particular post twice just for him to eat. And you know what? I am not feeling vegetable soup for dinner. That means we are going to spend money I don’t want to spend on take out tonight. But that’s okay! Because I would rather spend time with my husband and my son tonight than stress over getting dinner done and the baby fed and bathed.
No, things have not been at all like I thought they would be. But when I stop and think about how different things could be, I wouldn’t change a single thing. I love my hardworking husband. I will feed my son and hold him as often as he wants me. I will continue to wash and fold the laundry, and put the dishes away. I will continue to thank God every morning, every evening, and even in the middle of the night for His provision, His grace, and His blessings on my family. And on the days that I think to myself, “this is not how I thought things would be,” I am going to remind myself that there is more to love about motherhood than can be listed on a page.
For those who might be overwhelmed as a mother, let me remind you of a few things…
Your babies need you.
Your babies love you.
The dusting can wait.
The dishes can sit in the sink a little longer.
The towels don’t have to be folded right away.
Cereal is just as good a dinner as any if you don’t want take out.
Snuggles are worth losing sleep.
God sees you exactly where you are.
And you are blessed.
Give yourself grace Momma, you got this!
With love,
Mariah
